June 24, 2018

When I Wasn't Ready for Motherhood


A honest look into my emotional journey just weeks before we found out we're expecting.



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Becoming a mom has been my biggest dream since I was very young. I dreamed of falling in love with a charming man, waking up beside him every morning in our home, and bringing beautiful children to life to love and bestow the most picturesque world. Kyle is truly the love of my life and I have faith that the universe and God crossed our paths, at the right time of our lives, to meet and fall in love effortlessly, so that now my dream is my reality. I love mornings when I wake up just a few minutes before Kyle and I’m able to soak in this surreal moment of warmth and bliss in holding my incredible husband close. We’ve been married for about a year and, even before marriage, I’d dream of having so many babies with him. I knew he was the one for me when I realized I couldn’t stop thinking of having his children; I deeply loved his soul and his inspirational, passionate personality and I wanted to literally clone him for the world. We started discussing parenthood and having a child more frequently over the last half year and when it became a very serious intention, I suddenly got cold feet.
My heart would race and my mind filled with a million thoughts of how having a child would demolish the life I knew. I said I wasn’t ready right now. Maybe in a couple of years. Maybe. Our romantic musings of our idealistic life together turned to disheartening fights on the state of our future. My dreams floated away to reveal this ugly truth that I was innately selfish and the fear of losing my independent self was unrelenting. I became depressed, because it wasn’t just contention between Kyle and me, but it was also an unnerving inner dialogue of loathing and resentment in myself, for allowing this fear and selfishness overpower our dreams. I had devastated Kyle’s dreams of becoming a father and it tore me.

If you ask those who've known me longest, I can confidently tell you they’ll say I’m highly independent and won’t lift a finger without considering those around me. My childhood shaped me into being selfless and generous to my family and friends and I live a very happy life fulfilling my naturally nurturing identity. I always thought that my life had prepared me to become a good mom. Yet somehow, my worst self crept up on me at the most inopportune time to tell me that I wasn’t ready for children.
It’s not that we didn’t have good financial standing or that we didn’t have a house or that I felt too young. Everything was amazing on paper, but my heart wasn’t into it because I was fearful of change. No matter how much Kyle tried to tell me we’ll be ok, I couldn’t believe him. I love my daily routine, I love my work as a blogger, I love my growth as a working photographer, and I love my body just the way it was. I was already juggling the dual effort as a working woman and a dedicated partner to my husband and I wasn’t confident I could also achieve becoming the best mother without sacrificing one of the prior two. I wasn’t ready to give up a cherished part of my life for a child.

My mother sacrificed her identity, independence, and some of her sanity to raise three children, nearly on her own. I am so, so grateful for everything she’s done to get me to live this beautiful life I love and to set up a successful life for my siblings. Her level of commitment and sacrifice is my goal to match, which makes it a very scary responsibility. I feared that I would fail…and failing as a mother is my worst fear of all.
Fast forward a couple of months, during which time I processed and validated my emotions, I spoke openly to a few friends I confide in, including speaking earnestly with Kyle. They have helped me gain confidence that this is not a solo mission. I’ve always known Kyle will be the best father to our child, but I was blind to the fact that he would undoubtedly be the most supportive partner to me as the mother to our child. I don’t have to give up my passions, if we work cohesively for it all. I can still live my best life - no, an even better life fulfilling my dream as a mother - if I put the entirety of my trust in my supportive husband and family and God. My relationship with God has always been a private experience for me, but this is one of those times I want to transparently share how I prayed for God to help me through my feelings on motherhood and the fear attached to it. And quickly, my fear turned into confidence for the opportunity to realize my dream. I shifted from distrusting myself to fully trusting Kyle and our families to help both of us grow into this new role as parents. I genuinely surprised myself shortly after, when I found out I was pregnant; I couldn’t have been more excited and enthusiastic about my life moving forward. I’ve never been happier than this moment I am in right now, 7 months pregnant and writing about this emotional point that just happened 9 months prior. This has been one of many lessons in my life to thoroughly embrace the emotional and physical journey, even through painful moments, to get to the best of life’s experience. If you’re in a similar situation or if you may be in a few years, I want to share that I believe that being ready for a child is totally a myth. You can feel incredibly excited, yet at the same time exceptionally nervous and worried and that is totally OKAY. Resistance to change is normal and a human child entering your life as your responsibility forever is the biggest change of all. But I’ve learned that in all situations of life, don’t let your comfort zone keep you from achieving your dreams. I’m so grateful for the community of good people whom I have to always help guide me towards success, so I think that it’s so important and appropriate to utilize your support system during this time to help build confidence and trust within yourself. I also put my faith in God, who sincerely helped ease my worries and gave me courage, perhaps through the words of those around me.

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I hyperventilated and almost fainted in the bathroom, by myself. I panicked, but I knew my husband was just outside the door and  panic morphed into heart-racing excitement. We weren’t 100% ready that day; I probably wasn’t even 50% ready. But as every day passes and as our baby grows, I’m feeling more and more ready to meet and love our sweet child together and to conquer motherhood.

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